Fourteen

Last year I wrote a short story around Christmas time. Probably the only story I have ever completed. I feel like I want to add more to it, but I'm not sure. Either way, I felt like sharing. 

It had been four weeks since Gabrielle had seen Nathan. She was worried, terribly worried. There had been no calls, no letters, nothing. It wasn't like Nathan to just disappear. The last she had seen him, he had been leaving for work. Nathan was under a good deal of stress lately, and Gabrielle had figured he had taken some time for himself. It wasn't unusual for him to take a weekend and go off on his own, but this was too long. Gabrielle didn't like being by herself. At first, she did enjoy the time without Nathan. Gabrielle rarely got any time to herself but now, she missed him. She missed him more than she had ever would have imagined. Granted, their relationship was rocky. It seemed they had more downs than ups, but in the end of it all, they loved each other.

No one in Gabrielle's family liked Nathan. Maybe that was her fault. She always ran to her family when they would fight or when Nathan had hurt her feelings. Gabrielle had always thought that she could turn to her family for support, but it seemed she may have been wrong. Her "support" system was driving a wedge between her and Nathan, and quite frankly, Gabrielle didn't like it at all. Maybe the two of them would pack up and leave, putting some distance between them and their families. Maybe some of the tension and drama would dissolve in their relationship. 

Nathan and Gabrielle met while taking classes at the local college in town. They had run into each other quite a few times. He was very attractive, and Gabrielle was drawn in the moment she laid eyes on him. Nathan was 6'1" and athletic toned. He had dark brown, curly hair and gorgeous blue eyes. He was kind and spoke gently, the perfect gentleman. After what seemed like hundreds of short run ins in the hallways, Nathan finally asked Gabrielle out for coffee. The rest was history. They were inseparable. Gabrielle still remembered the first time he kissed her. It felt like walking on air. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered so much she knew that they were lifting her off the ground with intentions of setting her on a cloud. He took her breath away. She'd never forget that feeling, especially when every time he puts his lips to hers, she feels it. That was three years ago.

As Gabrielle stared out their bay window, she began to reminisce. The weather was cold. Winter had turned up without any prior warning. The cold reminded her of meeting Nathan. She began to think about the first time seeing Nathan. It was between classes. It was November, and Gabrielle’s grandmother had asked her to meet her for some Christmas shopping. After shopping, Gabrielle headed back to school for her next class. And it was then, as she was readying herself to turn into a parking spot that she saw him. He was walking across the street, and apparently hadn’t seen her car coming. Gabrielle’s heart jumped into her throat. She was nowhere near hitting him, so she continued on her path and pulled into the spot she had set her eyes on. Nathan must have assumed he might have been hit because he had stopped walking. Gabrielle made sure she sat in her car until he was out of sight. Nathan was absolutely gorgeous, and Gabrielle was embarrassed. 

Gabrielle smiled to herself at the thought. Seeing Nathan that day turned her into some sort of school girl, always primping herself and making sure she was well dressed and well groomed, just in case she were to run into him again even though she went out of her way to avoid coming into contact with him. Her nerves got the best of her. She finally mustered up the gall to talk herself to merely walking by him in the hallway one afternoon. As she walked by him, Nathan gave her smile. A smile that sent her heart into a frenzy! Those little run-ins became more frequent which eventually lead to small talk. Every second around Nathan was like heaven to Gabrielle. Then one day, Nathan asked her to go for coffee. 

Their coffee date turned into more. They met at the coffee shop and after a couple of latte’s, Nathan asked her to dinner. Which after dinner, he took her to a movie. It was the best night Gabrielle had ever had. She had never felt more alive. She wanted to spend every passing second with Nathan. Every time her phone would ring, her stomach would flutter in hopes it was Nathan calling. Life had went from average to magical in one night. 

Nathan finally proposed to Gabrielle two years later. Their wedding was small and simple. They bought a cute little house in the outskirts of town. Gabrielle broke her gaze out of the bay window and looked around. She smiled. The house was perfect, and with her decorative touch, it was definitely home. Right now though, it was lonely. She couldn’t help but feel down and out. Nathan was her other half, and she needed him. She put her head back and closed her eyes, thinking more about Nathan and all their little moments together. Somewhere in between her dreams and daydreams, she didn’t notice the sound a car pulling up. A car door slammed closed and the noise jostled her back to reality. She looked out of the window and saw nothing. She then heard some rustling, and the jingling of keys. Her heart began to flutter and she sat frozen where she was. She heard the doorknob turn and the front door opened.

Nathan was home. 

Thirteen

 What is love? 

According the Merriam-Webster, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties." The basic level of love. 

Love varies.

There's family love, friendship love, and then there's to be in love. In the Bible, love is described for us. It gives us a detailed overview of what love is. 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its on way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

So what does it mean? It means true love is someone who treats you with respect always. They aren't bitter to you. They don't talk down to you or make you feel lesser of a person. Love makes you better. It's an attachment, a desire outside of sexuality that honestly can not be truely explained. Being in love is finding the other part of you. Love isn't of the flesh, but of the mind and soul. It's like an addiction. 

Is it possible to be in love with the idea of being in love? Can you spend so much time dreaming of love that when you finally find it, it's a disappointment? Or is it a disappointment because it's not love? It's discouraging to think you've found love and it turn out to not be. It may be the reason why people seem to just settle. The fear that the love they're looking for doesn't exist overrides the desire for the dream, and the fear wins. People settle thinking they can adjust and sacrifice qualities of what they were looking for. These what if's of the situation. "What if I don't ever find love?" , "What if I passed love along the way?", What if it's too late to try?", "What if..?".

It's so bittersweet. It can make you feel like you're top of the world, but it can also drive you to the darkest corners of sorrow. It can keep you afloat, and at the same time, it can be what drowns you. 

Love.

It will make you or it will break you. 

(10-18-2011)

Twelve

Some poetry I scribbled out last week :) 

Oh nostalgia,

You always get the best of me.

You always know just how

To bring me to my knees.

To make me remember

All the things I should have said

All the times I bled.

You make it hard to sleep at night

Thinking about the wrongs I can't make right.

There's a longing in my chest

Something I swore I put to rest.

An aching in this heart of mine

That's killing me with every beat that keeps me alive.

If you were to ever leave

Your shadowy home

I swear I'd never make it on my own

You are the sun that burns

In my darkest days.

The hope that shines

When everything seems grey.

I don't ever want you to leave

'Cause when you aren't here

It's so hard for me to breathe.

and here's something else I scribbled out last night as well

Untitled

I'm sorry for the way I've been

and for all the things that could have been.

The only person I ever really loved

Let me go,

and now it seems

I've gone and ended up all alone.

I'm stuck in this grave,

the bed I've made for me,

and I lay in it with regret.

Why do I always do this to myself?

You always seem to cross my minds

so much more than I'd like to admit.

Eleven

So many thoughts. It's hard to put them together where they flow smoothly.

Life. Here's a starting point.

My life, exactly. How did I get to this point? Looking back at the decisions I made. Many I regret. What decisions have I made to put me in this spot exactly? There once was a time when I had let go of my worries and my sorrow and I lived my life. That was the time when I knew who I was. Who am I? Where do I stand against the background of the world? Among millions, who am I? I don't know anymore. It seems upon one decision, my life started spiraling and now, I fear, I may have reached the bottom. Or at least a ledge close to the bottom. I miss those days. The days when I knew who I was, what I wanted, and lived my life for me. The only person I had to please was me. I actually went out and spent time on me. I went out with my friends, and it seems now that I've lost them all along the way to this gloomy spot in my life. And those that have stuck around, I've managed to push into the shadows. And I don't know how to bring them back out. I've lost my social ability to even create conversation, much less hold one. I've lost my independence. I miss being on my own. I miss writing, singing, working, going to school, and feeling confident about myself.
I hate it. Hate is a strong word, but I hate this. How do I get back there? How do I go back to being me after so long? Is it even possible?

There are so many feeling swirling around, that it's making me dizzy.  There's so much missing. I want so much more for myself and for my children, but where do I even start?

Ten

I can't begin to explain how hopelessly lost I feel. how utterly alone I feel sometimes. It's like being on the outside looking in, all the time.  Where I feel like I don't deserve to be breathing, or I shouldn't be wasting the air around me. Depression is a sneaky bastard. I always feel everyone always has negative thoughts toward me. "Oh, she raised her voice at her child. What a horrible mother." Blah, blah, and ect. I always feel like I never do anything right. I feel fat and unattractive. No one would want me. Not with the hot mess I am. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. The milder effects I suffer from everyday, but what scares me is when the milder effects get a little warmer. When I slip into that dark area, where rarely I wonder if life wouldn't be better if I just drove my car onto a ditch. Or, I could just run a blade down my ARM just once. My wrists ache at that point. And its a vicious cycle. My depression DEPRESSES me. And I go back to wanting to lay in bed and cry until I've no tears left to cry.

I've struggled with depression for years. Many years, maybe a bit longer than I've been fighting my arthritis. I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I did have my OB put me on medicine after DD was born. But, when it wore out, I couldn't afford to get it refilled. It's something I wish I never had to deal with. I feel like its not fair to my kids that I get depressed, that maybe they deserve a better mom. I feel like I'm no good at this parenting thing either, but I love my kids. They're the only thing keeping me going. It's this cyclic rut that gets me. It gets me every time...

Nine

Let's get down to the other parts of my inner nerd. 

Books.

I.LOVE.BOOKS. 

Even if I'm not reading them, I just like HAVING them. Especially on a shelf. 

This boils down to my weird obsession with paper, pens, and any other form of school supplies you can think of. 

But I love books! I've always loved to read, even when I don't do it so often. :) My phone has a kindle application already installed on it, and I have a good bit of free books on there. (Some are for the kids too). I got to thinking and realized there were some books I read back in school ages ago that I would like to read again, and some I didn't read (cliff notes to the rescue!) that I would like to try. So, I decided to make a wish list for reading! This is what I have so far! 

The Giver - Lois Lowry 

(apparently, this is a trilogy?! And I didn't know it! so, the rest of the trilogy as well!)

Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinge 

Yeah, kind of short, but it's a start! Plus, now that I've put it here, I can keep up with a little easier :) 

My replacement phone came in today! I'm excited! It's a brand new phone, not a refurbished one. The only down side is I have to update everything and redownload all my apps again. I need to clear off the computer some so I can install my back up software for the phone, just in case something like that happens again, o_O which, I hope it doesn't. It's also a different color. Instead of the red one, I got a black one. This one is SO much faster than my other one. It only takes like 2 seconds to restart the phone! I'm excited! I just need to get more screen protectors for it!

I got lucky and all my pictures and music were still on there :) I'm super excited now! 

Anywho. I gotta get a little girl in the bath and then in bed. Got work in the nursery in the AM, EARLY in the AM :) Need my rest for all my babies! 

Eight

Time to play catch up! I haven't posted anything in about two days! Yesterday I spent the day shopping with my younger sister. (not the baby sister, she was in school xD) It was nice. Even DD was well behaved, at least until around nap time :) My sister, who I'll just call B, got some of the cutest shirts/dresses. There was this one dress that I may just got back and try to find for me. It was so stinking cute! 

DH starts his second job in the morning. I'm excited. He'll pretty much bring in another full time check in just part time hours. Just in time for the holidays! Now, I don't feel so down and out because I can't find a job and Christmas/DD's birthday is coming up! Maybe once we get everything straightened out, I can get a mani/pedi with my sisters! 

Today was a pretty decent day. I got up feeling AWESOME! I got some much needed sleep! I got up, made breakfast and then cooked supper. Yeah, it was early, but it saved SO much time this afternoon! I did laundry, cleaned up, swept and did the dishes. The day went by so fast. And my children have cracked me up. We're sitting at the table eating supper when DS asks me to scare him because he has the hiccups. I told him it's not scary if he knows I'm going to do it. He than asks me why he had the hiccups, was it because he was eating too much junk? Taking total advantage of this situation, I told him YES. He was eating too much junk (lol!) Then he proceeds to tell me that if he keeps eating too much junk his belly will get fat, and he frowns. 

OH man, I CRACKED up. This boy of mine, I tell ya! 

Then, DD was whining about something. I turn around and start fake whining as I'm walking into the kitchen. Still fake whining, I turn around because I can hear her following me into the kitchen. She comes around the corner with her hand out, looks at me and says, "Stop." LOL Oh goodness. I cracked up again! 

Bedtime was easy tonight, which is NOT normal. But I'm excited about it. There's nothing to do but whatever I want to do. I managed a shower while DD took her nap earlier, so I've been painting my toe nails and watching Dinosaurs on Netflix! I LOVE this show!

Oh, I almost forgot! My phone bit the dust yesterday! I was so mad! I had some pictures of outfits for DD that I wanted to show DH as well as some home decor and the thing just decides to die! I know what really happened to it. I took pictures of me in a dress and it just killed over. LOL! I'm having a new one sent to me. It should be here in about three days. That means I have to download all my apps again :( UGH. I hate this. Maybe this one won't act up. It's a brand new one, not a refurbished one! Guess I'll see when I get it. :) 

Daily Journal: Post Seven

I attempted to work on potty training with DD today. I'm glad to know that she likes wearing her panties, and she'll sit on her potty at random times. She knows when you ask if she has to pee pee that means sitting on the potty, because she goes straight to it. Now to just get her to PEE in the potty! She peed twice in her pants and twice in the floor today. And when she wet her pants, she got mad when I took the wet ones off of her! Weird brat! lol I know that while today seems unsuccessful, it was progress. When DS was little, I literally just stripped him down and sent him outside. When he learned what it was like to pee, we worked on not peeing in his pants. So, potty training from this angle is different. 

I tried a DIY cleaner on the floor tonight (since it was peed on twice). I know that vinegar is amazing when it comes to cleaning, so I got off my bum and used this recipe I found surfing the net. The measurements are however many parts to how much you're wanting to make. I used a 1 cup measuring cup to make mine. 

1 part 70% rubbing alcohol

1 part white vinegar

1 part water

a few drops of dish liquid.

You mix everything together and then pour into a spray bottle. 

tada! easy to make, easy to use! 

I'm impressed with it. My floors look clean and they aren't sticky feeling. There's no streaks as well! 

I also read that you can take just 1 part vinegar and 1 part water and use as a multipurpose cleaner? Maybe I'll try that next. I want to invest in some of those oils you can put in the floor cleaner. I like the smell of clean, but the smell of vinegar is a bit overbearing....

Back to the weird side of my mind. 

I found another name for my name lists. Though, this one is a definite guilty pleasure name. 

December

Yes, for a little girl. She could go by Deci(pronounced like Desi), Emme, or Ember. I adore it. 

But, I'm sure it won't pass the DH, so I just stuck it right in the guilty pleasure file. And then I made an online list for my guilty pleasure names :) (I told you, nerd/crazy... it gets worse.)

Guilty Pleasure Name List

That's the link to that list :) Feel free to take a peep if you want. 

Other than the above, there's not much to complain about. (lol!) I slept till noon again, but I'm hoping tomorrow will straighten me out. I have to work in the nursery in the morning, so I have to be up by like 7am. That should set me back on track. :) 

Daily Journal: Post Five

***this post is late because my blog wasn't allowing me to post. But, at least it's here!***

Today I have been rather nostalgic. 

I was rummaging through my original facebook page and was bum rushed by a flood of feelings. I think my depression is acting out a little again, which honestly makes no sense because this is my favorite time of year. The transition to fall! Not actually fall, it can be a tad bit too cold for me, but that area between summer and fall. I love it!  Yes, I'm weird. I thought this was established already with the baby name post! 

I've been off my schedule the past week. I've spent most of my mornings napping while DS is in school (and DD and DH were napping with me!) We've been having to pick DH up from work at 11pm and it throws me off being up when he's home before I go to bed. It's hard to explain. So needless to say, I have been up until about 3am then getting up at 6:45am to get DS up for school. I get home right at 8am from dropping him off and am napping by 9am until at least 12pm. Crazy. But it almost drives me crazy. I haven't wanted to do any of the housework. I'm having to make myself do all that. I don't even want to cook supper. ugh. 

What I DO want to do is be crafty. I'd like to learn how to crochet. I've got a pattern to sew a teddy bear with, but I'm just not feeling the sewing thing. I'd like to make DD one of these no sew tutus, and crochet some stuff. Paint/hang some stuff. I can't find any shelves like I want at the thrift stores and it's kind of aggervating. I want to decorate for fall, but lack decorations. And I'm just going to stop nagging there before I get into the job area of nagging. I shouldn't nag, but I do. It's honestly my fault I'm sitting here nagging on the internet about not having a job. Instead of quitting my last full time job, I should have just stuck it out. Working seems to make me feel better about myself. The past day I haven't felt like I was of any importance to anyone. (Depression issues.) And I know I am. I'm the most important person my children need! I know this, but I don't feel it. I think that may be why I feel sleepy all day (aside from the 4 hours of sleep I get a night..normally I can function off that little) Oddly enough, I think another factor may be the fact that we've been buying soda again. We barely drank it before, and once I start drinking it, it is insanely hard for me to resist. Seriously. I think that's part of the reason I feel so sluggish. Instead of grabbing a bottle of water like I have been, I grab a can of soda. Who wouldn't, right? Looks like I'm going to have to wean myself off of it again. :( And my coffee. Got to get back off the coffee again too. I love it, but it's not going to work out if I want to be healthy. And I don't think switching to decaf is an option lol! 

I feel like I want to elaborate on some of the things I've said, but I don't know what to say. I hate that feeling. Trying to explain feelings and then not being able to. That's what this whole blog is for, to get everything out in the open and NOT bottle things up. But when you lack to words to tell the story...there's not too much you can do about it. And that just flat out sucks. 

Daily Journal: Post Six

Yes, I'm aware I skipped a day. I have yesterdays post saved on the computer. It's not letting me post anything at all on the computer site. (I'm using my app at the moment.)
I'm irritated at the site because I honestly would rather cut and paste than retype an entry. What to do, what to do. Oh well.
So today was pretty much like the last four. I almost stayed up this morning, but took a nap anyway and had every intention of getting up at 10am, only to wake up at noon.....again. maybe I can get straightened out this weekend.
DS is going to church with his aunt, so he's gone for the weekend. I'm super proud of him! He memorized a Bible verse for church in ONE day! And he also came home with a sticker for good behaviour at school this week!! Improvement, I welcome thee!! I'm one happy mama.
DD is showing more interest in the toilet lately. She's been sitting on her training potty more with her diaper on lately. And I have to fight her to get her diaper back on. If I could just find more training panties at a decently cheap price!!! Ugh!! I'm ready to get this girl out of diapers and into UNDERWEAR. Pull UPS are twice as blooming expensive as diapers!
I checked out some books at the library today. I started reading earlier, but I'm thinking I need to feed DD, get her a bath and in bed before I continue further. I tend to wedge my nose in a book and get totally lost in it. I could just imagine the disaster that would await me if she was up running around Haha.
It's almost bedtime for the little ladybug anyway :) I guess that's where I'm off to for now!!

Daily Journal : Post 4

Since I opened up the can of name worms, I might as well express my excitement over the newest infatuation I've found. 

Lorcan

Yes, Lorcan. I adore it! It's Irish/Gaelic and means "little fierce one". ah! If only I could explain how perfect it would fit a boy in our family! Seriously. I've come up with a few combinations for it, but not sure enough on them to add them to my little list I keep. I've been playing around with what's considered "ancient" names to go with it, like Cassius, Julius, and Augustus as well as some modern and Biblical names. 

Why yes, I am completely insane. :) Feel free to stop reading and find something else a little less crazy :) Because I'm still typing. haha! 

Anyways, before I get off on a tangent. Let's type about some other stuff. Today was pretty productive outside of the house. Went to Walmart, got some things, ate lunch with DH and DD, picked up DS from school. After school I took the children to this thrift store I saw on the way to my Aunt's house one day. I'm in search of training panties for DD. I'm refusing to pay 7.94 for a three pack when my mother bought DD a sack of those plastic cover panties (also 7.94 for a three pack) for maybe three dollars. I know they're out there. I've just got to find them. 

Back on track. 

We went to this thrift store in search of training panties, and sadly, didn't find any. But I did find DS a Cars toy for three dollars. It was one of those bigger ones, and he was Dinoco (sp???) blue. The ones that are almost 50 dollars in store. And I got DD a toddler sized police car. Apparently, it lights up and makes the siren sound, but didnt realize that until I submerged it into the dishwater to wash it o_O go figure, right? So now it's sitting in my drainer just going off like crazy lol. I also found me this really cute burnt orange sweater like shirt. It has the flared sleeves on it. Oh my, I love it! Though, I feel I may need a tank top to wear under it just in case it's not quite long enough. 

After the thrift store, we went to the library. There's this drawing at school for DS for Iron Bowl tickets. All he has to do to be entered is read six grade level Accelerated Reading books, fill the sheet out with the books listed on it, and turn it in by October 19th! I think I was more excited than he was! We got him two books and a movie. He kind of had a little meltdown after we got his books, so we left right after. I didn't get to go look for anything for me, but I have a ton of free books on my Kindle app I can read instead. :) 

We left the library and went to eat supper at McDonald's. We ate and I let them play for at least an hour and a half on the play place before we came home for homework. By the time we got home, little sister was MORE than ready for bed. She was so tired that while she was crying in protest to going to bed, she was just laying down. No throwing her toys and blankets out. No standing there crying for me. She was pretty tired. :) I finally got DS to bed about a half hour ago. 

Now that the babies are in bed, I have laundry to finish. I washed the dishes while DS was playing for a little bit with his new toy and I managed to mop/ start a load of clothes before I sat myself down to release my inner nerd :) I've got a load of clothes waiting to folded and I think it's about time to throw the ones in the washer into the dryer! So I guess I better get up and get this done so tomorrow I don't have to worry about much of anything aside from what I'm going to cook for supper :) 

Daily Journal: Post 3, Part 2

My inner nerd couldn't help but blog again. :) Sue me lol 

I've been sitting here trying to find something to do with myself while I have time to myself aside from watch Netflix. A little random fact about me, I keep a name list. Yes, baby names. It's this weird little obsession of mine. It started back when I was attempting a book/short story back in high school and it's gradually gotten "worse" since then. I have a notebook for names, name combinations, names I won't use, and names I love but will probably never use in real life (my guilty pleasure names, or GPs)

That being said, I was sitting here looking up names in search of new names to play with and I remembered that I keep a little list online! And I thought I would post it! 

Current Name List

That's the updated list I have for now. No one's voted on it, which is kind of a downer, but oh well! 

I also am a member of a baby name forum. (Baby Name Genie!) I ran across the site when I was pregnant with Hayleigh and used it a lot before we settled on her name! I love these lovely ladies! Other name nerds like myself to talk to! It's heaven! It's been a bit slower around the forums lately, but things change. :) No sense in crying over it :) But, I love reading all their names and giving/getting feedback (though I'm not real great at the giving feedback part haha!) They're amazing! 

Back to names :D I actually have a piece of paper full of random names that I like. And yet, I have a list with names I can't decide on combos for lol What a mess! I like the feeling of creativity when I come up with names. :) I think that's why I enjoy it so much. That and it's a way to write as well, since those creative juices are all dried up it seems :( 

It feels like I'm rambling, so I'm going to cut it right here and go play around with these names I've found. 

:) So, until tomorrow! 

*-Name Nerd at Your Service-*

Daily Journal: Post 3

I finally got my Blogger app installed on my phone! So now, I can blog anywhere!

I didn't make a post yesterday. We were out all day. I worked in the nursery at church, came home, ate lunch, picked up Aasyn, and went to the park. After that, we went to one of DH's friends house for a cookout. The kids behaved so much better than I expected and they had SO much fun. We didn't get home until close to 11pm, and needless to say, we were all worn out by the time we got home. Ace swam for a little whole and Hayleigh even played in the pool! Total shock. She was pretty content with jumping in the pool over and over lol. I was pretty excited.

I've been a bit off schedule today though. The laundry desperately needs to be put away, but at least it's clean, right? I need to mop as well, but for now, I'm doing nothing. Ace is laying down getting ready for bed and I have Hayleigh downstairs with me for a bit since she slept pretty late this afternoon. :) but in half n hour two children will be in bed. I guess I can get the laundry squared away then and save myself the trouble tomorrow. :)

I'm off to do nothing productive!

Daily Journal: Post 2

I know this is the second post today, but I wrote out my first post yesterday while I was working, and didn't get home until after 11pm last night :) 

Here's my attempt at consistency. 

I haven't been up but maybe 15 minutes. My house is a mess! There's so much laundry to do. The dishes have to be done, and the trash has to be taken out. I'm stressed already. 

I still need to go to the store, but I don't feel up to going by myself. I'm sure Nick won't get up either. (btw, it's almost 11:30am) I honestly would rather go back to sleep. I feel rather irritable, I guess. 

I get tired of all the cleaning but if I don't do it, it piles up and I'm dealing with the mess I have to deal with today. Guess I better go get started and write more later. 

*-L-*

::So, Nick got up and we went to the store and ate lunch. He's gone to work and Hayleigh's taking a nap. I should be napping, but when I lay down, I'm not as tired as when I'm upright. Makes no sense. haha! Clothes are almost done, but the dishes can sit there for a while longer for all I care. I'm in no hurry. No sense in rushing. Thinking about trying to catch a small nap since baby girl is still asleep. Maybe I'll feel better after I get up, because I still don't feel so well. :/ Only one way to find out! Nap time! Until tomorrow! :: 

Daily Journal: Post 1

I find myself wanting to write quite often. And more times than I can count, I find myself not knowing what to write. I have tried numerous times to keep a journal. All have failed, miserably. I can't commit to the daily writing and it's frustrating! I love writing! I use to write a lot. I feel like writing everyday would help me be more relaxed. To be able to get all my frustrations out instead of bottling them up would be amazing. 

I sit at home, and while it has its rewards, it's so, so very boring. Writing daily would help me express so many issues that I have. Like my self esteem, for example. I think it would help with a lot actually. Maybe it will reignite my spark and I could start writing poetry again. Who knows. 

I feel like if I were to write, I would have to be lengthy. But I know some days, it won't be. All that matters is that I'm writing (err, well typing... though I more than likely will have a written copy as well. Just call me a nerd!) 

So, this is my first attempt at keeping a journal! Day one - complete! 

I'll Seal It With A Bullet... And A Kiss.

I'm not the best at making decisions. I'll be first to be honest about that. I remember thinking how ridiculous it sounded for people to be turning themselves upside down over one decision, and how it sounded when people told you they were bad at making decisions. I fully regret my opinion on that. I wish I had taken more time to make the decisions I've made in my life. Maybe if I had made a big deal over them, then my life would be in a bit of a better place. Maybe if I had taken things a bit more seriously, mapped out "the long road"... maybe. But, I didn't. Why yes, I am a little unhappy with my life presently, but I've made the decision (shocker!!) to change that. It's like I've always decided to think for myself at the most unopportune times. Always. So of course, why shouldn't my life be right where it is.

I have two children that I love dearly. I have a 6 year old and a 1.5 year old. Boy and girl, and they are my everything. They have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. I love them. I hate having to struggle to provide for them. Now, before I had my daughter (the 1.5 year old), things we're okay with my son and I. I was living with my grandparents (after a series of awful decisions), working, going to school, enjoying life. I wish that I would have made better decisions and waited until I was out of school and married to have my children though. Then I could better provide for them, ya know.

I have come to find out that the one of the first things anyone ever asks you after you make a decision is why. Why? The question that give you the chance to explain yourself, even when you sound ignorant doing so. So, here's the answer to my why.

I was raised in the church, but I did pull myself away from that. After you have fallen off that path, it is so easy to continue to stray from it over and over and over again. And I do. I was always taught sex before marriage was wrong. I've had sex before marriage, and I don't believe in it. Though it's a little late for me to save myself for anyone, I will never sleep with anyone before marriage again. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it can be evil all in the same. I never agree with living together before getting married, and I've done that too. Everyone thinks that's what they want. To love with their boyfriends so they can do what they want, when they want. I didn't find it as exciting as it was made out to be. It caused problems with my first ex, and then that was one of the main reasons I married my current husband. (possibly, ex?)

DH and I probably didn't have the best relationship to start with. I had said I didn't want to have sex before marriage anymore, and 3 weeks into our relationship....well, tada. You get what I'm saying. I kept trying to stop, but it was like it didn't matter to him. Honestly, that's how I feel. Though one time, he did mention it to me, and.. i shut it down. My fault there. I admit. Thinking about it kinda of makes me a little angry, but it's the past and I can't do anything about it. Back to the story. I really don't know how to get to the point of this without making a graphic novel out of it. One thing lead to another, and over numerous break ups and getting back together, I was pregnant with my daughter. I left after I got pregnant, got back with him a few months later. It's a cycle, can't you tell. Well, after she was born, he moved in with me. (And this is a whole different story in itself that I can't even think about with feeling the anxiety build up in my chest. It enrages me.) Two months later, we went to the court house and got married.

Yes, I said it. The court house. Bet no one was day dreaming about that wedding when they were little. And honestly, it's not what I wanted either. Any of it. I was living with and had a baby with this man who I wasn't married to. Why not go get married, right? So then, even after I was unhappy with the marriage, I continued to push forward and give it "one more chance." The first year is the hardest, so I thought if I could just make it through the first year, everything will get better. Well, the finances got a bit better, but nothing else really changed. And everyday after that, it was holding on to the hope that something would change..

 See, that's my specialty. Holding on to hope. I stick around too long, just hoping that it'll change. There's always hope, but that also is my downfall. It's that quirk about myself that I can't stand, but I can't figure out how to let go of. That hope, still there, stopped being so strong and I caught myself trying to figure out a divorce in my head. How to split custody of the baby, and how child support would work. How to offer this outside of court. Then finally, after wondering how you break the news to someone that you want a divorce, my husband asked me if I wanted to leave. I told him. I refused to lie about it. So now, I'm in that place where he wants to pretend like the conversation never happened. He's going to try even though I've repeatedly told him that it was past trying. You can't deprive a flower of water until it dies and then expect it to come back to life when you do water it. Once it's dead, it's dead and I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be married anymore. It's like we aren't even married in my heart. The only thing to show we are joined together is that piece of paper the court house gave us. And to me, that is a sign right there, that we shouldn't be married.

And yes, this is cliche, but I'd love for us to be friends. It's always felt like he was more of a friend to me than anything.

I really don't know what else I could say about this. I just felt like putting this out there, getting it off my chest. That feeling you get when you can say, "there, I said it!" I'm ready to start this chapter so I can finish it and get on with the rest of my life.

((posted 06/15/2012))

Oh Dear, Not Again

It’s that time, once again to stand up and voice my opinions and beliefs.. on the same issue I’m so strongly against.

Same sex marriage/gay rights

.

What brings this back up again, you say? Why, a lovely comment on a message board I am registered to does.

To sum it all up, since the comment was deleted, it basically brought up same sex marriage in an offensive manner. The topic was a post about Elton John and his “partner” welcoming a baby boy into their household. (“having” a baby) and one of my friends on their mentioned that it must be weird growing up with two dads. Then comes said comment about how “same sex couples deserve as many rights as opposite sex couples”

And, here I go:…

For those who do not believe that being a homosexual is NOT in the Bible, here it is:

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,..- 1 Corinthians 6:9

Translation:

Those who are promiscuous, worship idols, commit adultery and are HOMOSEXUAL will not inherit God’s kingdom. Will NOT go to heaven! It’s right there, in HIS word.

With that being said, same sex couples have the same rights as heterosexual couples do. Every man born on this earth has the right to marry a woman, as a woman has the right to marry a man. When one CHOOSES to become homosexual, they FORFEIT their right to marriage.

The institution of marriage was created for a MAN and a WOMAN. One reason is for procreation.

Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. - Jeremiah 29:6

You don’t believe in God? Well okay, sum this up for me. If we are our means of populating the earth, then how is it that two men cannot carry and birth children alone? How is it two women cannot carry and birth children alone? If homosexuality wasn’t a choice for people, then explain how nature cannot allow same sexes to procreate? I don’t want to hear either how there’s a gay penguin at the San Fransisco zoo or whatever either. I don’t want to hear how you, as a man, love your boyfriend. It’s not love. It’s LUST. And the whole bisexual issue. Please, to me, in my honest opinion, being bisexual is just an excuse to be a whore. Get mad all you want. It does not bother me because I know my sexuality. I know that I have my given rights to marriage and I have taken advantage of them!  Don’t be ill because you CHOSE to give up your rights to marriage as a homosexual. And don’t be mad that you are ignorant enough to be straight and support gay rights.  It’s a sin. Call me close minded, but I call myself right. I use to support the issue, then when I stopped running from my Father, I opened my eyes.

My mind is working on overload right now. I'm sure that when I think of something else, I'll add it, but for now, au revoir. 

Talk About Hitting The Nail On The Head..

So, out of sheer boredom, and a bit of curiosity, I took an assessment like quiz a few moments ago. What caught my eye and convinced me to take this was the statement before it. It stated to take this "psychological assessment to tell you what you really want versus what you say you want." Got me. I take it, and this is what I got as the results:

WHAT YOU "SAY" YOU WANT

Your scores on the "Lost in Translation Test" suggest that you want a man who's "highly accomplished, moderately embraces outward physical chemistry and is highly driven."

WHAT YOU "REALLY" WANT

According to relationship experts, what you seem to be looking for is a "PROTECTOR" 

A protector is well-poised to meet the hidden or unspoken needs you might actually be trying to fill in a search for a relationship. A protector is...

• Someone with a strong sense of self, purpose and importance that lends itself to bolstering your personal identity, sense of worth and even social image.
• Someone who can provide you (and any present or future children) with financial stability that is or has been lacking in your life.
• Someone who'll make you feel young and alive, and who'll renew your passion for life by opening your eyes to new experiences and opportunities.
• Someone who's ready and able to give you freedom and support for your personal or professional goals.
• Someone who can be vulnerable and unafraid to show kindness and physical affection and emotional connection to you in public.
• Someone with strong self-control and patience, who'll consult your feelings and preferences rather than be domineering and controlling.
• Someone who'll always strive to make you feel attractive, desirable and loved by giving you undivided attention and a sense of physical security.
• Someone strives for longevity by being true to a physically and psychologically healthy lifestyle, which includes taking pride in his appearance and working at being physically attractive to you.

So accurate, that it's almost uncanny,..

Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice....

This week has been stressful. All around stressful. My son seems to be out of hand. More than what I remember him being. The baby and I have been sick. I've yet again fallen behind in my school work. And, we had an inspection yesterday and didn't pass because our bedrooms were "too messy". The husband was suppose to clean those up this past weekend. Figures. So, we have another inspection this coming week. We have to pass the inspection in order to be able to move. Which happens in two weeks. So, on top of keeping the house spotless and catching up on school work as well as tending to a sick infant, i have to pack,.


I need to get the kitchen cleaned ( like wash the dishes and clean the high chair out) but I honestly don't feel like it right now. I'm tempted, as soon as my son goes to sleep and I put this load of clothes in the dryer, to go to bed. I'm taking a little "vacation" this weekend to my parents house. 


The next sparatic thought I have is, why and how am I so down? It's a depression, and I don't understand how when I take anti-depressants. Other than the fact that my medicine isn't working. 


I honestly don't even have the energy to sit here and vent out all I want/ need to vent. I'm exhausted,. So I think I'm just going to go to bed. 


Until next time..

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Stronger..

This post will be a little shorter than normal since I use this blog when I'm alone. Right now, my son is yet to come home from his Aunt's and my husband and daughter are over at the in-laws house. So I have a few moments to myself to kind of post a prelude to the upcoming post. I'm trying not to unleash the words I'm choking on right now, but I have something to say.

Aside from that, I had an amazing day. :) The Bug and I went to church, then went out to eat with Nani and Papaw. I love it. Sundays are so great.

Cutting it short. I need to get back to this math work. :)

Until next time...