Fourteen

Last year I wrote a short story around Christmas time. Probably the only story I have ever completed. I feel like I want to add more to it, but I'm not sure. Either way, I felt like sharing. 

It had been four weeks since Gabrielle had seen Nathan. She was worried, terribly worried. There had been no calls, no letters, nothing. It wasn't like Nathan to just disappear. The last she had seen him, he had been leaving for work. Nathan was under a good deal of stress lately, and Gabrielle had figured he had taken some time for himself. It wasn't unusual for him to take a weekend and go off on his own, but this was too long. Gabrielle didn't like being by herself. At first, she did enjoy the time without Nathan. Gabrielle rarely got any time to herself but now, she missed him. She missed him more than she had ever would have imagined. Granted, their relationship was rocky. It seemed they had more downs than ups, but in the end of it all, they loved each other.

No one in Gabrielle's family liked Nathan. Maybe that was her fault. She always ran to her family when they would fight or when Nathan had hurt her feelings. Gabrielle had always thought that she could turn to her family for support, but it seemed she may have been wrong. Her "support" system was driving a wedge between her and Nathan, and quite frankly, Gabrielle didn't like it at all. Maybe the two of them would pack up and leave, putting some distance between them and their families. Maybe some of the tension and drama would dissolve in their relationship. 

Nathan and Gabrielle met while taking classes at the local college in town. They had run into each other quite a few times. He was very attractive, and Gabrielle was drawn in the moment she laid eyes on him. Nathan was 6'1" and athletic toned. He had dark brown, curly hair and gorgeous blue eyes. He was kind and spoke gently, the perfect gentleman. After what seemed like hundreds of short run ins in the hallways, Nathan finally asked Gabrielle out for coffee. The rest was history. They were inseparable. Gabrielle still remembered the first time he kissed her. It felt like walking on air. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered so much she knew that they were lifting her off the ground with intentions of setting her on a cloud. He took her breath away. She'd never forget that feeling, especially when every time he puts his lips to hers, she feels it. That was three years ago.

As Gabrielle stared out their bay window, she began to reminisce. The weather was cold. Winter had turned up without any prior warning. The cold reminded her of meeting Nathan. She began to think about the first time seeing Nathan. It was between classes. It was November, and Gabrielle’s grandmother had asked her to meet her for some Christmas shopping. After shopping, Gabrielle headed back to school for her next class. And it was then, as she was readying herself to turn into a parking spot that she saw him. He was walking across the street, and apparently hadn’t seen her car coming. Gabrielle’s heart jumped into her throat. She was nowhere near hitting him, so she continued on her path and pulled into the spot she had set her eyes on. Nathan must have assumed he might have been hit because he had stopped walking. Gabrielle made sure she sat in her car until he was out of sight. Nathan was absolutely gorgeous, and Gabrielle was embarrassed. 

Gabrielle smiled to herself at the thought. Seeing Nathan that day turned her into some sort of school girl, always primping herself and making sure she was well dressed and well groomed, just in case she were to run into him again even though she went out of her way to avoid coming into contact with him. Her nerves got the best of her. She finally mustered up the gall to talk herself to merely walking by him in the hallway one afternoon. As she walked by him, Nathan gave her smile. A smile that sent her heart into a frenzy! Those little run-ins became more frequent which eventually lead to small talk. Every second around Nathan was like heaven to Gabrielle. Then one day, Nathan asked her to go for coffee. 

Their coffee date turned into more. They met at the coffee shop and after a couple of latte’s, Nathan asked her to dinner. Which after dinner, he took her to a movie. It was the best night Gabrielle had ever had. She had never felt more alive. She wanted to spend every passing second with Nathan. Every time her phone would ring, her stomach would flutter in hopes it was Nathan calling. Life had went from average to magical in one night. 

Nathan finally proposed to Gabrielle two years later. Their wedding was small and simple. They bought a cute little house in the outskirts of town. Gabrielle broke her gaze out of the bay window and looked around. She smiled. The house was perfect, and with her decorative touch, it was definitely home. Right now though, it was lonely. She couldn’t help but feel down and out. Nathan was her other half, and she needed him. She put her head back and closed her eyes, thinking more about Nathan and all their little moments together. Somewhere in between her dreams and daydreams, she didn’t notice the sound a car pulling up. A car door slammed closed and the noise jostled her back to reality. She looked out of the window and saw nothing. She then heard some rustling, and the jingling of keys. Her heart began to flutter and she sat frozen where she was. She heard the doorknob turn and the front door opened.

Nathan was home. 

Thirteen

 What is love? 

According the Merriam-Webster, love is "a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties." The basic level of love. 

Love varies.

There's family love, friendship love, and then there's to be in love. In the Bible, love is described for us. It gives us a detailed overview of what love is. 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its on way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

So what does it mean? It means true love is someone who treats you with respect always. They aren't bitter to you. They don't talk down to you or make you feel lesser of a person. Love makes you better. It's an attachment, a desire outside of sexuality that honestly can not be truely explained. Being in love is finding the other part of you. Love isn't of the flesh, but of the mind and soul. It's like an addiction. 

Is it possible to be in love with the idea of being in love? Can you spend so much time dreaming of love that when you finally find it, it's a disappointment? Or is it a disappointment because it's not love? It's discouraging to think you've found love and it turn out to not be. It may be the reason why people seem to just settle. The fear that the love they're looking for doesn't exist overrides the desire for the dream, and the fear wins. People settle thinking they can adjust and sacrifice qualities of what they were looking for. These what if's of the situation. "What if I don't ever find love?" , "What if I passed love along the way?", What if it's too late to try?", "What if..?".

It's so bittersweet. It can make you feel like you're top of the world, but it can also drive you to the darkest corners of sorrow. It can keep you afloat, and at the same time, it can be what drowns you. 

Love.

It will make you or it will break you. 

(10-18-2011)

Twelve

Some poetry I scribbled out last week :) 

Oh nostalgia,

You always get the best of me.

You always know just how

To bring me to my knees.

To make me remember

All the things I should have said

All the times I bled.

You make it hard to sleep at night

Thinking about the wrongs I can't make right.

There's a longing in my chest

Something I swore I put to rest.

An aching in this heart of mine

That's killing me with every beat that keeps me alive.

If you were to ever leave

Your shadowy home

I swear I'd never make it on my own

You are the sun that burns

In my darkest days.

The hope that shines

When everything seems grey.

I don't ever want you to leave

'Cause when you aren't here

It's so hard for me to breathe.

and here's something else I scribbled out last night as well

Untitled

I'm sorry for the way I've been

and for all the things that could have been.

The only person I ever really loved

Let me go,

and now it seems

I've gone and ended up all alone.

I'm stuck in this grave,

the bed I've made for me,

and I lay in it with regret.

Why do I always do this to myself?

You always seem to cross my minds

so much more than I'd like to admit.

Eleven

So many thoughts. It's hard to put them together where they flow smoothly.

Life. Here's a starting point.

My life, exactly. How did I get to this point? Looking back at the decisions I made. Many I regret. What decisions have I made to put me in this spot exactly? There once was a time when I had let go of my worries and my sorrow and I lived my life. That was the time when I knew who I was. Who am I? Where do I stand against the background of the world? Among millions, who am I? I don't know anymore. It seems upon one decision, my life started spiraling and now, I fear, I may have reached the bottom. Or at least a ledge close to the bottom. I miss those days. The days when I knew who I was, what I wanted, and lived my life for me. The only person I had to please was me. I actually went out and spent time on me. I went out with my friends, and it seems now that I've lost them all along the way to this gloomy spot in my life. And those that have stuck around, I've managed to push into the shadows. And I don't know how to bring them back out. I've lost my social ability to even create conversation, much less hold one. I've lost my independence. I miss being on my own. I miss writing, singing, working, going to school, and feeling confident about myself.
I hate it. Hate is a strong word, but I hate this. How do I get back there? How do I go back to being me after so long? Is it even possible?

There are so many feeling swirling around, that it's making me dizzy.  There's so much missing. I want so much more for myself and for my children, but where do I even start?

Ten

I can't begin to explain how hopelessly lost I feel. how utterly alone I feel sometimes. It's like being on the outside looking in, all the time.  Where I feel like I don't deserve to be breathing, or I shouldn't be wasting the air around me. Depression is a sneaky bastard. I always feel everyone always has negative thoughts toward me. "Oh, she raised her voice at her child. What a horrible mother." Blah, blah, and ect. I always feel like I never do anything right. I feel fat and unattractive. No one would want me. Not with the hot mess I am. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. The milder effects I suffer from everyday, but what scares me is when the milder effects get a little warmer. When I slip into that dark area, where rarely I wonder if life wouldn't be better if I just drove my car onto a ditch. Or, I could just run a blade down my ARM just once. My wrists ache at that point. And its a vicious cycle. My depression DEPRESSES me. And I go back to wanting to lay in bed and cry until I've no tears left to cry.

I've struggled with depression for years. Many years, maybe a bit longer than I've been fighting my arthritis. I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I did have my OB put me on medicine after DD was born. But, when it wore out, I couldn't afford to get it refilled. It's something I wish I never had to deal with. I feel like its not fair to my kids that I get depressed, that maybe they deserve a better mom. I feel like I'm no good at this parenting thing either, but I love my kids. They're the only thing keeping me going. It's this cyclic rut that gets me. It gets me every time...

Nine

Let's get down to the other parts of my inner nerd. 

Books.

I.LOVE.BOOKS. 

Even if I'm not reading them, I just like HAVING them. Especially on a shelf. 

This boils down to my weird obsession with paper, pens, and any other form of school supplies you can think of. 

But I love books! I've always loved to read, even when I don't do it so often. :) My phone has a kindle application already installed on it, and I have a good bit of free books on there. (Some are for the kids too). I got to thinking and realized there were some books I read back in school ages ago that I would like to read again, and some I didn't read (cliff notes to the rescue!) that I would like to try. So, I decided to make a wish list for reading! This is what I have so far! 

The Giver - Lois Lowry 

(apparently, this is a trilogy?! And I didn't know it! so, the rest of the trilogy as well!)

Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinge 

Yeah, kind of short, but it's a start! Plus, now that I've put it here, I can keep up with a little easier :) 

My replacement phone came in today! I'm excited! It's a brand new phone, not a refurbished one. The only down side is I have to update everything and redownload all my apps again. I need to clear off the computer some so I can install my back up software for the phone, just in case something like that happens again, o_O which, I hope it doesn't. It's also a different color. Instead of the red one, I got a black one. This one is SO much faster than my other one. It only takes like 2 seconds to restart the phone! I'm excited! I just need to get more screen protectors for it!

I got lucky and all my pictures and music were still on there :) I'm super excited now! 

Anywho. I gotta get a little girl in the bath and then in bed. Got work in the nursery in the AM, EARLY in the AM :) Need my rest for all my babies! 

Eight

Time to play catch up! I haven't posted anything in about two days! Yesterday I spent the day shopping with my younger sister. (not the baby sister, she was in school xD) It was nice. Even DD was well behaved, at least until around nap time :) My sister, who I'll just call B, got some of the cutest shirts/dresses. There was this one dress that I may just got back and try to find for me. It was so stinking cute! 

DH starts his second job in the morning. I'm excited. He'll pretty much bring in another full time check in just part time hours. Just in time for the holidays! Now, I don't feel so down and out because I can't find a job and Christmas/DD's birthday is coming up! Maybe once we get everything straightened out, I can get a mani/pedi with my sisters! 

Today was a pretty decent day. I got up feeling AWESOME! I got some much needed sleep! I got up, made breakfast and then cooked supper. Yeah, it was early, but it saved SO much time this afternoon! I did laundry, cleaned up, swept and did the dishes. The day went by so fast. And my children have cracked me up. We're sitting at the table eating supper when DS asks me to scare him because he has the hiccups. I told him it's not scary if he knows I'm going to do it. He than asks me why he had the hiccups, was it because he was eating too much junk? Taking total advantage of this situation, I told him YES. He was eating too much junk (lol!) Then he proceeds to tell me that if he keeps eating too much junk his belly will get fat, and he frowns. 

OH man, I CRACKED up. This boy of mine, I tell ya! 

Then, DD was whining about something. I turn around and start fake whining as I'm walking into the kitchen. Still fake whining, I turn around because I can hear her following me into the kitchen. She comes around the corner with her hand out, looks at me and says, "Stop." LOL Oh goodness. I cracked up again! 

Bedtime was easy tonight, which is NOT normal. But I'm excited about it. There's nothing to do but whatever I want to do. I managed a shower while DD took her nap earlier, so I've been painting my toe nails and watching Dinosaurs on Netflix! I LOVE this show!

Oh, I almost forgot! My phone bit the dust yesterday! I was so mad! I had some pictures of outfits for DD that I wanted to show DH as well as some home decor and the thing just decides to die! I know what really happened to it. I took pictures of me in a dress and it just killed over. LOL! I'm having a new one sent to me. It should be here in about three days. That means I have to download all my apps again :( UGH. I hate this. Maybe this one won't act up. It's a brand new one, not a refurbished one! Guess I'll see when I get it. :)