Sunday, October 30, 2011

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Stronger..

This post will be a little shorter than normal since I use this blog when I'm alone. Right now, my son is yet to come home from his Aunt's and my husband and daughter are over at the in-laws house. So I have a few moments to myself to kind of post a prelude to the upcoming post. I'm trying not to unleash the words I'm choking on right now, but I have something to say.

Aside from that, I had an amazing day. :) The Bug and I went to church, then went out to eat with Nani and Papaw. I love it. Sundays are so great.

Cutting it short. I need to get back to this math work. :)

Until next time...

Friday, October 28, 2011

Ok so, I've recently submerged myself into The Vampire Diaries. I'm pretty excited that the show is only 5 episodes into their third season. Netflix has the first two. I've got about 6 more episode before I finish up season two, and I must say I have developed a fancy for Ian Somerhalder, or Damon Salvatore. 
He is SOOO dreamy! And he looks far better looking than co-star Paul Wesley ( Stefan Salvatore). Paul reminds me TOO much of Robert Patterson. Bleck. 

I have no idea why I posted that here. He's so pretty <3

Back to reality.
I manged to get off my bum and get the kitchen cleaned... then turned around and cooked. Figures. In a few, I plan on getting the laundry folded and I want to work on my math work as well. Bug is up, so it all depends on her. And this horrible headache I have as well. 

I have nothing major to rant about today. I did get ill yesterday after we got back from taking the kids to this trick or treat down in Alabama City. I had cooked us dinner and got myself and the children ready, left the dishes for when we got back. I asked the husband if he would put the babies in the tub for me while I cleaned the kitchen and got some clothes folded. His response:
"I was going to lay back down for a little bit before work." 
And, no. He did NOT lay back down. He stayed on facebook until time for him to leave. Which irritated me a good bit yesterday. So, I didn't clean the kitchen or do the laundry. I just got the kids bathed and ready for bed, as well as take my economics test :/

Other than that, the only thing I have to complain about is this awful headache. I'm not sure if it's a sinus headache, an earache or a migraine from the nerve in my neck. Either way, I don't want it! I'm hoping tonight I won't have to play the hot/cold game. That was irritating as well. 

I'm off to attempt to be productive :) and play with my Lady Bug for a bit before she goes back to bed. 


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Light As A Feather

Today, Bug and I went to Nani's house to help her pack. My sister and my parents were there as well. We had so much fun, as well as got a good bit of stuff accomplished. I didn't realize it. B and I were in one room packing. Nani and Mama were in another, and Daddy was playing babysitter to Lady Bug. We laughed, irritated mother, and just had fun spending time together. :) We really need to go it again. It was like, grown up time. Something I hardly EVER get. :| 

When I got home, I literally did NOTHING..and LOVED IT! Though, I feel guilty. We had sandwiches and soup for supper. I've got the dirty laundry down here (well most of it) and my living room/kitchen are decent (minus a few dishes) I'm sitting here playing games for a minute and then I'm heading on to the school work. Gunna turn on my radio station and listen to song about Jesus :) And more than likely sing along with the ones I know :) Or.. I might go to bed... still deciding on that one :/ 

I do know that I have to start packing. Hubs won't be able to help because apparently they're about to start making a stock of parts at work for when all the orders come in before the holidays and whatnot.  We've got about three weeks before we move. I'll be glad to get it all over with and get settled for the holidays. 

I think I'm going to go cuddle my pillows and blankets. I don't have much on my mind tonight. :) 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

And Then,....

OK, so I figured that the post earlier would be enough to settle my mind but I guess I was wrong. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

My emotions seem to be a bit out of whack. Not openly, of course. I can contain them in public. It's when I get time alone that they attempt to run haywire. I try not to let them control my moods, to keep them under wraps. I've some to a very challenging fork in my road. But the only thing I can do is pray about it, as well as just take it one step at a time. 

I'm pretty excited on the other hand. There's a spot open at the church in the nursery/day care. I'm picking up an application tomorrow for that AND there's a bank about to open up down the road, I'm also planning to apply there as well. :) Also, Bug and I are going to Nani's tomorrow after we take Ninja to school. My mama and one of my two sisters will be there! 

Halloween is coming fast! Ninja picked his costume out the other day and I got Bug's costume when I went shopping with my sister. There's a big Halloween bash in the town Thursday evening. The husband and I are taking both kids to that. It's my Lady Bug's FIRST Halloween! And then it will be her first Thanksgiving! THEN, It will be her FIRST Birthday, followed by her second Christmas! I just can't believe how she, or her brother are growing. It kind of makes me feel old. 

Maybe sometime soon I can actually talk to my husband. Maybe we can find somewhere to get counseling. This is just so difficult. I don't want to hurt him. Again, I care about him. I do, I just feel I deserve more than what he gives me. 

On a different note, I started a prayer jar. I got the idea from this amazing book I bought at Books A Million a while ago. The idea has stuck with me. It's from the book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. 
The book " ..retells the biblical love story of Gomer and Hosea against the exciting backdrop of the California Gold Rush." At one part in the book, the female main character ends up staying overnight at a house. The daughter of the owners was spending time with her and to make a long story short ended up telling the main character about her prayer box. She wrote all the prayer request she had or knew of, dated them and then put them through the slot on top, kind of like a piggy bank. Then, once the prayer had been answered, she would take it out to and look at the date to see how long it took to answer them. I thought it was a neat idea. Though, I have yet to get all the prayers I pray for in the jar, there are a handful in there. :) 

I wish that the husband didn't have to work 3rd shift so the kids and I could go to church on Wednesday nights. Maybe with income tax and if I get a job, we can afford to get a second vehicle. 

Well, it seems that the television keeps catching my attention, PLUS i'm cold.. which normally means that I'm tired. So, I'm going to obey the cues and curl up on the couch :) 

One Step At a Time

Ok, so I really should be working on schoolwork. But it seems like I can't keep myself from giving in to the longing to write. Balancing school, the kids, and the house is tough. I've got to get back on track, like when the semester first started. Going to those CNA classes really threw me off. 

I was going to talk to my husband today. Talk to him about how I feel and the problems that I have, but he fell asleep before we got a chance to talk. I have a lot of issues right now, with him and our marriage. There are times when I see other people with their husbands and think, " I wish my husband was like that."  especially when I go to church. Actually, just this Sunday I had a thought. The new children's ministers recently got married and he walked by and I instantly thought, " I wish my husband was as God-fearing as he is." Would that be along the same lines as doubt? I've been on and off this path of righteousness and what I want, what I feel I need, is someone who shares the same faith in Jesus as I do. Someone who will pick me up when I fall and help me get back on track. Not keep me down and drag me further down with them. Someone who will help me with my struggles. Someone I can talk to. Someone who will be there growing with me in our walk with Christ. Someone who'll pray with me at night, and ask the blessing when we sit to eat. Someone who is not selfish, and does unto me as I do unto them.

There's a happiness that I've felt in Christ. It's like I'm alive inside. Every part of me. But there's also something missing. If I'm married, how is there something missing? And it's confusing because I care about my husband. I really do, but I'm not happy enough. Sure, we have our good times. It just seems that the bad out weighs the good. All he's concerned about is sleeping, eating and doing what he wants. He doesn't help around the house. If anything, he makes more mess than the children do. And he doesn't help with the children. It seems that the only time my son ever pitches fits is when my husband tried to discipline him. Things are tense with their relationship.

I just want something more. I'm left longing. I see all these movies and shows where people are in love with each other and I feel a longing. I hear love songs and feel a longing. I sit here now and there's a longing in my heart. The downside to all this is at the moment, I don't work. I've got to get use to working and school as well as tending to the kids again. I've got to get back on my feet and be able to take care of myself. 
I never wanted to be divorced, but I do believe I made a mistake. It doesn't even feel like I'm married. I mean, yeah it's a great excuse to get creepers and weirdos to stop talking to you, but it's an empty phrase to me. I say it, but I don't feel it.

I want to go back to being me. I want the life I had before my husband. I was in school, I worked and I was happy. I went out with my friends on occasion. I was happy with myself and my looks. But it's a long process and it's not going to be easy. 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Relocating Me

I've contemplated taking up a diary. Yeah, it seems a bit childish, but aren't blogs the same thing?I just want somewhere I can express my thoughts and feelings without the whole world being able to access it. It's also the easiest way to get what I'm feeling out there, without hurt feelings or a slew of "I told you so" 's. So here it is. :) 

Feel The Fire

Dear God,
Please set a fire in me.
Mold me into who I’m supposed to be.
Give me the strength to overcome
All these things that hinder me.
I want a heart like Yours, oh God.
Let me let You in,
Instead of letting just Your foot in the door.
This world is too dangerous to be without You.
Dear Lord,
Ignite the fire in me.
I want to feel alive inside,
Alive in You,
To feel Your Amazing Grace.
Take my burdens, Father.
I lift them up to you.
I want their weight no longer.
Take my sins, oh Father
And wash me clean.
Lay the sticks, Lord
Soak them with the fuel of Your love,
Your glory, Your power.
You’re all I ever need.
Use me as You need.
Lift me up, send me out
Out into this world to spread word
Of all Your wonder.
To show them how great Your love is
Even for sinners like me.
Lord, take me, all of me
I give myself to you.
You’re the only thing I’ll ever need.
Abba God, I feel you…
I feel the fire in me.