Tuesday, October 25, 2011

One Step At a Time

Ok, so I really should be working on schoolwork. But it seems like I can't keep myself from giving in to the longing to write. Balancing school, the kids, and the house is tough. I've got to get back on track, like when the semester first started. Going to those CNA classes really threw me off. 

I was going to talk to my husband today. Talk to him about how I feel and the problems that I have, but he fell asleep before we got a chance to talk. I have a lot of issues right now, with him and our marriage. There are times when I see other people with their husbands and think, " I wish my husband was like that."  especially when I go to church. Actually, just this Sunday I had a thought. The new children's ministers recently got married and he walked by and I instantly thought, " I wish my husband was as God-fearing as he is." Would that be along the same lines as doubt? I've been on and off this path of righteousness and what I want, what I feel I need, is someone who shares the same faith in Jesus as I do. Someone who will pick me up when I fall and help me get back on track. Not keep me down and drag me further down with them. Someone who will help me with my struggles. Someone I can talk to. Someone who will be there growing with me in our walk with Christ. Someone who'll pray with me at night, and ask the blessing when we sit to eat. Someone who is not selfish, and does unto me as I do unto them.

There's a happiness that I've felt in Christ. It's like I'm alive inside. Every part of me. But there's also something missing. If I'm married, how is there something missing? And it's confusing because I care about my husband. I really do, but I'm not happy enough. Sure, we have our good times. It just seems that the bad out weighs the good. All he's concerned about is sleeping, eating and doing what he wants. He doesn't help around the house. If anything, he makes more mess than the children do. And he doesn't help with the children. It seems that the only time my son ever pitches fits is when my husband tried to discipline him. Things are tense with their relationship.

I just want something more. I'm left longing. I see all these movies and shows where people are in love with each other and I feel a longing. I hear love songs and feel a longing. I sit here now and there's a longing in my heart. The downside to all this is at the moment, I don't work. I've got to get use to working and school as well as tending to the kids again. I've got to get back on my feet and be able to take care of myself. 
I never wanted to be divorced, but I do believe I made a mistake. It doesn't even feel like I'm married. I mean, yeah it's a great excuse to get creepers and weirdos to stop talking to you, but it's an empty phrase to me. I say it, but I don't feel it.

I want to go back to being me. I want the life I had before my husband. I was in school, I worked and I was happy. I went out with my friends on occasion. I was happy with myself and my looks. But it's a long process and it's not going to be easy. 

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