Twelve

Some poetry I scribbled out last week :) 

Oh nostalgia,

You always get the best of me.

You always know just how

To bring me to my knees.

To make me remember

All the things I should have said

All the times I bled.

You make it hard to sleep at night

Thinking about the wrongs I can't make right.

There's a longing in my chest

Something I swore I put to rest.

An aching in this heart of mine

That's killing me with every beat that keeps me alive.

If you were to ever leave

Your shadowy home

I swear I'd never make it on my own

You are the sun that burns

In my darkest days.

The hope that shines

When everything seems grey.

I don't ever want you to leave

'Cause when you aren't here

It's so hard for me to breathe.

and here's something else I scribbled out last night as well

Untitled

I'm sorry for the way I've been

and for all the things that could have been.

The only person I ever really loved

Let me go,

and now it seems

I've gone and ended up all alone.

I'm stuck in this grave,

the bed I've made for me,

and I lay in it with regret.

Why do I always do this to myself?

You always seem to cross my minds

so much more than I'd like to admit.

Eleven

So many thoughts. It's hard to put them together where they flow smoothly.

Life. Here's a starting point.

My life, exactly. How did I get to this point? Looking back at the decisions I made. Many I regret. What decisions have I made to put me in this spot exactly? There once was a time when I had let go of my worries and my sorrow and I lived my life. That was the time when I knew who I was. Who am I? Where do I stand against the background of the world? Among millions, who am I? I don't know anymore. It seems upon one decision, my life started spiraling and now, I fear, I may have reached the bottom. Or at least a ledge close to the bottom. I miss those days. The days when I knew who I was, what I wanted, and lived my life for me. The only person I had to please was me. I actually went out and spent time on me. I went out with my friends, and it seems now that I've lost them all along the way to this gloomy spot in my life. And those that have stuck around, I've managed to push into the shadows. And I don't know how to bring them back out. I've lost my social ability to even create conversation, much less hold one. I've lost my independence. I miss being on my own. I miss writing, singing, working, going to school, and feeling confident about myself.
I hate it. Hate is a strong word, but I hate this. How do I get back there? How do I go back to being me after so long? Is it even possible?

There are so many feeling swirling around, that it's making me dizzy.  There's so much missing. I want so much more for myself and for my children, but where do I even start?

Ten

I can't begin to explain how hopelessly lost I feel. how utterly alone I feel sometimes. It's like being on the outside looking in, all the time.  Where I feel like I don't deserve to be breathing, or I shouldn't be wasting the air around me. Depression is a sneaky bastard. I always feel everyone always has negative thoughts toward me. "Oh, she raised her voice at her child. What a horrible mother." Blah, blah, and ect. I always feel like I never do anything right. I feel fat and unattractive. No one would want me. Not with the hot mess I am. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. The milder effects I suffer from everyday, but what scares me is when the milder effects get a little warmer. When I slip into that dark area, where rarely I wonder if life wouldn't be better if I just drove my car onto a ditch. Or, I could just run a blade down my ARM just once. My wrists ache at that point. And its a vicious cycle. My depression DEPRESSES me. And I go back to wanting to lay in bed and cry until I've no tears left to cry.

I've struggled with depression for years. Many years, maybe a bit longer than I've been fighting my arthritis. I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I did have my OB put me on medicine after DD was born. But, when it wore out, I couldn't afford to get it refilled. It's something I wish I never had to deal with. I feel like its not fair to my kids that I get depressed, that maybe they deserve a better mom. I feel like I'm no good at this parenting thing either, but I love my kids. They're the only thing keeping me going. It's this cyclic rut that gets me. It gets me every time...