Monday, October 15, 2012


So many thoughts. It's hard to put them together where they flow smoothly.

Life. Here's a starting point.

My life, exactly. How did I get to this point? Looking back at the decisions I made. Many I regret. What decisions have I made to put me in this spot exactly? There once was a time when I had let go of my worries and my sorrow and I lived my life. That was the time when I knew who I was. Who am I? Where do I stand against the background of the world? Among millions, who am I? I don't know anymore. It seems upon one decision, my life started spiraling and now, I fear, I may have reached the bottom. Or at least a ledge close to the bottom. I miss those days. The days when I knew who I was, what I wanted, and lived my life for me. The only person I had to please was me. I actually went out and spent time on me. I went out with my friends, and it seems now that I've lost them all along the way to this gloomy spot in my life. And those that have stuck around, I've managed to push into the shadows. And I don't know how to bring them back out. I've lost my social ability to even create conversation, much less hold one. I've lost my independence. I miss being on my own. I miss writing, singing, working, going to school, and feeling confident about myself.
I hate it. Hate is a strong word, but I hate this. How do I get back there? How do I go back to being me after so long? Is it even possible?

There are so many feeling swirling around, that it's making me dizzy.  There's so much missing. I want so much more for myself and for my children, but where do I even start?

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