Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Life. Here's a starting point.
My life, exactly. How did I get to this point? Looking back at the decisions I made. Many I regret. What decisions have I made to put me in this spot exactly? There once was a time when I had let go of my worries and my sorrow and I lived my life. That was the time when I knew who I was. Who am I? Where do I stand against the background of the world? Among millions, who am I? I don't know anymore. It seems upon one decision, my life started spiraling and now, I fear, I may have reached the bottom. Or at least a ledge close to the bottom. I miss those days. The days when I knew who I was, what I wanted, and lived my life for me. The only person I had to please was me. I actually went out and spent time on me. I went out with my friends, and it seems now that I've lost them all along the way to this gloomy spot in my life. And those that have stuck around, I've managed to push into the shadows. And I don't know how to bring them back out. I've lost my social ability to even create conversation, much less hold one. I've lost my independence. I miss being on my own. I miss writing, singing, working, going to school, and feeling confident about myself.
I hate it. Hate is a strong word, but I hate this. How do I get back there? How do I go back to being me after so long? Is it even possible?
There are so many feeling swirling around, that it's making me dizzy. There's so much missing. I want so much more for myself and for my children, but where do I even start?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
I can't begin to explain how hopelessly lost I feel. how utterly alone I feel sometimes. It's like being on the outside looking in, all the time. Where I feel like I don't deserve to be breathing, or I shouldn't be wasting the air around me. Depression is a sneaky bastard. I always feel everyone always has negative thoughts toward me. "Oh, she raised her voice at her child. What a horrible mother." Blah, blah, and ect. I always feel like I never do anything right. I feel fat and unattractive. No one would want me. Not with the hot mess I am. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. The milder effects I suffer from everyday, but what scares me is when the milder effects get a little warmer. When I slip into that dark area, where rarely I wonder if life wouldn't be better if I just drove my car onto a ditch. Or, I could just run a blade down my ARM just once. My wrists ache at that point. And its a vicious cycle. My depression DEPRESSES me. And I go back to wanting to lay in bed and cry until I've no tears left to cry.
I've struggled with depression for years. Many years, maybe a bit longer than I've been fighting my arthritis. I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I did have my OB put me on medicine after DD was born. But, when it wore out, I couldn't afford to get it refilled. It's something I wish I never had to deal with. I feel like its not fair to my kids that I get depressed, that maybe they deserve a better mom. I feel like I'm no good at this parenting thing either, but I love my kids. They're the only thing keeping me going. It's this cyclic rut that gets me. It gets me every time...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
I'm irritated at the site because I honestly would rather cut and paste than retype an entry. What to do, what to do. Oh well.
So today was pretty much like the last four. I almost stayed up this morning, but took a nap anyway and had every intention of getting up at 10am, only to wake up at noon.....again. maybe I can get straightened out this weekend.
DS is going to church with his aunt, so he's gone for the weekend. I'm super proud of him! He memorized a Bible verse for church in ONE day! And he also came home with a sticker for good behaviour at school this week!! Improvement, I welcome thee!! I'm one happy mama.
DD is showing more interest in the toilet lately. She's been sitting on her training potty more with her diaper on lately. And I have to fight her to get her diaper back on. If I could just find more training panties at a decently cheap price!!! Ugh!! I'm ready to get this girl out of diapers and into UNDERWEAR. Pull UPS are twice as blooming expensive as diapers!
I checked out some books at the library today. I started reading earlier, but I'm thinking I need to feed DD, get her a bath and in bed before I continue further. I tend to wedge my nose in a book and get totally lost in it. I could just imagine the disaster that would await me if she was up running around Haha.
It's almost bedtime for the little ladybug anyway :) I guess that's where I'm off to for now!!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I'm not the best at making decisions. I'll be first to be honest about that. I remember thinking how ridiculous it sounded for people to be turning themselves upside down over one decision, and how it sounded when people told you they were bad at making decisions. I fully regret my opinion on that. I wish I had taken more time to make the decisions I've made in my life. Maybe if I had made a big deal over them, then my life would be in a bit of a better place. Maybe if I had taken things a bit more seriously, mapped out "the long road"... maybe. But, I didn't. Why yes, I am a little unhappy with my life presently, but I've made the decision (shocker!!) to change that. It's like I've always decided to think for myself at the most unopportune times. Always. So of course, why shouldn't my life be right where it is.
I have two children that I love dearly. I have a 6 year old and a 1.5 year old. Boy and girl, and they are my everything. They have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. I love them. I hate having to struggle to provide for them. Now, before I had my daughter (the 1.5 year old), things we're okay with my son and I. I was living with my grandparents (after a series of awful decisions), working, going to school, enjoying life. I wish that I would have made better decisions and waited until I was out of school and married to have my children though. Then I could better provide for them, ya know.
I have come to find out that the one of the first things anyone ever asks you after you make a decision is why. Why? The question that give you the chance to explain yourself, even when you sound ignorant doing so. So, here's the answer to my why.
I was raised in the church, but I did pull myself away from that. After you have fallen off that path, it is so easy to continue to stray from it over and over and over again. And I do. I was always taught sex before marriage was wrong. I've had sex before marriage, and I don't believe in it. Though it's a little late for me to save myself for anyone, I will never sleep with anyone before marriage again. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it can be evil all in the same. I never agree with living together before getting married, and I've done that too. Everyone thinks that's what they want. To love with their boyfriends so they can do what they want, when they want. I didn't find it as exciting as it was made out to be. It caused problems with my first ex, and then that was one of the main reasons I married my current husband. (possibly, ex?)
DH and I probably didn't have the best relationship to start with. I had said I didn't want to have sex before marriage anymore, and 3 weeks into our relationship....well, tada. You get what I'm saying. I kept trying to stop, but it was like it didn't matter to him. Honestly, that's how I feel. Though one time, he did mention it to me, and.. i shut it down. My fault there. I admit. Thinking about it kinda of makes me a little angry, but it's the past and I can't do anything about it. Back to the story. I really don't know how to get to the point of this without making a graphic novel out of it. One thing lead to another, and over numerous break ups and getting back together, I was pregnant with my daughter. I left after I got pregnant, got back with him a few months later. It's a cycle, can't you tell. Well, after she was born, he moved in with me. (And this is a whole different story in itself that I can't even think about with feeling the anxiety build up in my chest. It enrages me.) Two months later, we went to the court house and got married.
Yes, I said it. The court house. Bet no one was day dreaming about that wedding when they were little. And honestly, it's not what I wanted either. Any of it. I was living with and had a baby with this man who I wasn't married to. Why not go get married, right? So then, even after I was unhappy with the marriage, I continued to push forward and give it "one more chance." The first year is the hardest, so I thought if I could just make it through the first year, everything will get better. Well, the finances got a bit better, but nothing else really changed. And everyday after that, it was holding on to the hope that something would change..
See, that's my specialty. Holding on to hope. I stick around too long, just hoping that it'll change. There's always hope, but that also is my downfall. It's that quirk about myself that I can't stand, but I can't figure out how to let go of. That hope, still there, stopped being so strong and I caught myself trying to figure out a divorce in my head. How to split custody of the baby, and how child support would work. How to offer this outside of court. Then finally, after wondering how you break the news to someone that you want a divorce, my husband asked me if I wanted to leave. I told him. I refused to lie about it. So now, I'm in that place where he wants to pretend like the conversation never happened. He's going to try even though I've repeatedly told him that it was past trying. You can't deprive a flower of water until it dies and then expect it to come back to life when you do water it. Once it's dead, it's dead and I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be married anymore. It's like we aren't even married in my heart. The only thing to show we are joined together is that piece of paper the court house gave us. And to me, that is a sign right there, that we shouldn't be married.
And yes, this is cliche, but I'd love for us to be friends. It's always felt like he was more of a friend to me than anything.
I really don't know what else I could say about this. I just felt like putting this out there, getting it off my chest. That feeling you get when you can say, "there, I said it!" I'm ready to start this chapter so I can finish it and get on with the rest of my life.