Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I can't begin to explain how hopelessly lost I feel. how utterly alone I feel sometimes. It's like being on the outside looking in, all the time.  Where I feel like I don't deserve to be breathing, or I shouldn't be wasting the air around me. Depression is a sneaky bastard. I always feel everyone always has negative thoughts toward me. "Oh, she raised her voice at her child. What a horrible mother." Blah, blah, and ect. I always feel like I never do anything right. I feel fat and unattractive. No one would want me. Not with the hot mess I am. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. The milder effects I suffer from everyday, but what scares me is when the milder effects get a little warmer. When I slip into that dark area, where rarely I wonder if life wouldn't be better if I just drove my car onto a ditch. Or, I could just run a blade down my ARM just once. My wrists ache at that point. And its a vicious cycle. My depression DEPRESSES me. And I go back to wanting to lay in bed and cry until I've no tears left to cry.

I've struggled with depression for years. Many years, maybe a bit longer than I've been fighting my arthritis. I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I did have my OB put me on medicine after DD was born. But, when it wore out, I couldn't afford to get it refilled. It's something I wish I never had to deal with. I feel like its not fair to my kids that I get depressed, that maybe they deserve a better mom. I feel like I'm no good at this parenting thing either, but I love my kids. They're the only thing keeping me going. It's this cyclic rut that gets me. It gets me every time...

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