Twelve

Some poetry I scribbled out last week :) 

Oh nostalgia,

You always get the best of me.

You always know just how

To bring me to my knees.

To make me remember

All the things I should have said

All the times I bled.

You make it hard to sleep at night

Thinking about the wrongs I can't make right.

There's a longing in my chest

Something I swore I put to rest.

An aching in this heart of mine

That's killing me with every beat that keeps me alive.

If you were to ever leave

Your shadowy home

I swear I'd never make it on my own

You are the sun that burns

In my darkest days.

The hope that shines

When everything seems grey.

I don't ever want you to leave

'Cause when you aren't here

It's so hard for me to breathe.

and here's something else I scribbled out last night as well

Untitled

I'm sorry for the way I've been

and for all the things that could have been.

The only person I ever really loved

Let me go,

and now it seems

I've gone and ended up all alone.

I'm stuck in this grave,

the bed I've made for me,

and I lay in it with regret.

Why do I always do this to myself?

You always seem to cross my minds

so much more than I'd like to admit.

Eleven

So many thoughts. It's hard to put them together where they flow smoothly.

Life. Here's a starting point.

My life, exactly. How did I get to this point? Looking back at the decisions I made. Many I regret. What decisions have I made to put me in this spot exactly? There once was a time when I had let go of my worries and my sorrow and I lived my life. That was the time when I knew who I was. Who am I? Where do I stand against the background of the world? Among millions, who am I? I don't know anymore. It seems upon one decision, my life started spiraling and now, I fear, I may have reached the bottom. Or at least a ledge close to the bottom. I miss those days. The days when I knew who I was, what I wanted, and lived my life for me. The only person I had to please was me. I actually went out and spent time on me. I went out with my friends, and it seems now that I've lost them all along the way to this gloomy spot in my life. And those that have stuck around, I've managed to push into the shadows. And I don't know how to bring them back out. I've lost my social ability to even create conversation, much less hold one. I've lost my independence. I miss being on my own. I miss writing, singing, working, going to school, and feeling confident about myself.
I hate it. Hate is a strong word, but I hate this. How do I get back there? How do I go back to being me after so long? Is it even possible?

There are so many feeling swirling around, that it's making me dizzy.  There's so much missing. I want so much more for myself and for my children, but where do I even start?

Ten

I can't begin to explain how hopelessly lost I feel. how utterly alone I feel sometimes. It's like being on the outside looking in, all the time.  Where I feel like I don't deserve to be breathing, or I shouldn't be wasting the air around me. Depression is a sneaky bastard. I always feel everyone always has negative thoughts toward me. "Oh, she raised her voice at her child. What a horrible mother." Blah, blah, and ect. I always feel like I never do anything right. I feel fat and unattractive. No one would want me. Not with the hot mess I am. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed. The milder effects I suffer from everyday, but what scares me is when the milder effects get a little warmer. When I slip into that dark area, where rarely I wonder if life wouldn't be better if I just drove my car onto a ditch. Or, I could just run a blade down my ARM just once. My wrists ache at that point. And its a vicious cycle. My depression DEPRESSES me. And I go back to wanting to lay in bed and cry until I've no tears left to cry.

I've struggled with depression for years. Many years, maybe a bit longer than I've been fighting my arthritis. I've never been to a psychiatrist, but I did have my OB put me on medicine after DD was born. But, when it wore out, I couldn't afford to get it refilled. It's something I wish I never had to deal with. I feel like its not fair to my kids that I get depressed, that maybe they deserve a better mom. I feel like I'm no good at this parenting thing either, but I love my kids. They're the only thing keeping me going. It's this cyclic rut that gets me. It gets me every time...

Nine

Let's get down to the other parts of my inner nerd. 

Books.

I.LOVE.BOOKS. 

Even if I'm not reading them, I just like HAVING them. Especially on a shelf. 

This boils down to my weird obsession with paper, pens, and any other form of school supplies you can think of. 

But I love books! I've always loved to read, even when I don't do it so often. :) My phone has a kindle application already installed on it, and I have a good bit of free books on there. (Some are for the kids too). I got to thinking and realized there were some books I read back in school ages ago that I would like to read again, and some I didn't read (cliff notes to the rescue!) that I would like to try. So, I decided to make a wish list for reading! This is what I have so far! 

The Giver - Lois Lowry 

(apparently, this is a trilogy?! And I didn't know it! so, the rest of the trilogy as well!)

Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinge 

Yeah, kind of short, but it's a start! Plus, now that I've put it here, I can keep up with a little easier :) 

My replacement phone came in today! I'm excited! It's a brand new phone, not a refurbished one. The only down side is I have to update everything and redownload all my apps again. I need to clear off the computer some so I can install my back up software for the phone, just in case something like that happens again, o_O which, I hope it doesn't. It's also a different color. Instead of the red one, I got a black one. This one is SO much faster than my other one. It only takes like 2 seconds to restart the phone! I'm excited! I just need to get more screen protectors for it!

I got lucky and all my pictures and music were still on there :) I'm super excited now! 

Anywho. I gotta get a little girl in the bath and then in bed. Got work in the nursery in the AM, EARLY in the AM :) Need my rest for all my babies! 

Eight

Time to play catch up! I haven't posted anything in about two days! Yesterday I spent the day shopping with my younger sister. (not the baby sister, she was in school xD) It was nice. Even DD was well behaved, at least until around nap time :) My sister, who I'll just call B, got some of the cutest shirts/dresses. There was this one dress that I may just got back and try to find for me. It was so stinking cute! 

DH starts his second job in the morning. I'm excited. He'll pretty much bring in another full time check in just part time hours. Just in time for the holidays! Now, I don't feel so down and out because I can't find a job and Christmas/DD's birthday is coming up! Maybe once we get everything straightened out, I can get a mani/pedi with my sisters! 

Today was a pretty decent day. I got up feeling AWESOME! I got some much needed sleep! I got up, made breakfast and then cooked supper. Yeah, it was early, but it saved SO much time this afternoon! I did laundry, cleaned up, swept and did the dishes. The day went by so fast. And my children have cracked me up. We're sitting at the table eating supper when DS asks me to scare him because he has the hiccups. I told him it's not scary if he knows I'm going to do it. He than asks me why he had the hiccups, was it because he was eating too much junk? Taking total advantage of this situation, I told him YES. He was eating too much junk (lol!) Then he proceeds to tell me that if he keeps eating too much junk his belly will get fat, and he frowns. 

OH man, I CRACKED up. This boy of mine, I tell ya! 

Then, DD was whining about something. I turn around and start fake whining as I'm walking into the kitchen. Still fake whining, I turn around because I can hear her following me into the kitchen. She comes around the corner with her hand out, looks at me and says, "Stop." LOL Oh goodness. I cracked up again! 

Bedtime was easy tonight, which is NOT normal. But I'm excited about it. There's nothing to do but whatever I want to do. I managed a shower while DD took her nap earlier, so I've been painting my toe nails and watching Dinosaurs on Netflix! I LOVE this show!

Oh, I almost forgot! My phone bit the dust yesterday! I was so mad! I had some pictures of outfits for DD that I wanted to show DH as well as some home decor and the thing just decides to die! I know what really happened to it. I took pictures of me in a dress and it just killed over. LOL! I'm having a new one sent to me. It should be here in about three days. That means I have to download all my apps again :( UGH. I hate this. Maybe this one won't act up. It's a brand new one, not a refurbished one! Guess I'll see when I get it. :) 

Daily Journal: Post Seven

I attempted to work on potty training with DD today. I'm glad to know that she likes wearing her panties, and she'll sit on her potty at random times. She knows when you ask if she has to pee pee that means sitting on the potty, because she goes straight to it. Now to just get her to PEE in the potty! She peed twice in her pants and twice in the floor today. And when she wet her pants, she got mad when I took the wet ones off of her! Weird brat! lol I know that while today seems unsuccessful, it was progress. When DS was little, I literally just stripped him down and sent him outside. When he learned what it was like to pee, we worked on not peeing in his pants. So, potty training from this angle is different. 

I tried a DIY cleaner on the floor tonight (since it was peed on twice). I know that vinegar is amazing when it comes to cleaning, so I got off my bum and used this recipe I found surfing the net. The measurements are however many parts to how much you're wanting to make. I used a 1 cup measuring cup to make mine. 

1 part 70% rubbing alcohol

1 part white vinegar

1 part water

a few drops of dish liquid.

You mix everything together and then pour into a spray bottle. 

tada! easy to make, easy to use! 

I'm impressed with it. My floors look clean and they aren't sticky feeling. There's no streaks as well! 

I also read that you can take just 1 part vinegar and 1 part water and use as a multipurpose cleaner? Maybe I'll try that next. I want to invest in some of those oils you can put in the floor cleaner. I like the smell of clean, but the smell of vinegar is a bit overbearing....

Back to the weird side of my mind. 

I found another name for my name lists. Though, this one is a definite guilty pleasure name. 

December

Yes, for a little girl. She could go by Deci(pronounced like Desi), Emme, or Ember. I adore it. 

But, I'm sure it won't pass the DH, so I just stuck it right in the guilty pleasure file. And then I made an online list for my guilty pleasure names :) (I told you, nerd/crazy... it gets worse.)

Guilty Pleasure Name List

That's the link to that list :) Feel free to take a peep if you want. 

Other than the above, there's not much to complain about. (lol!) I slept till noon again, but I'm hoping tomorrow will straighten me out. I have to work in the nursery in the morning, so I have to be up by like 7am. That should set me back on track. :) 

Daily Journal: Post Five

***this post is late because my blog wasn't allowing me to post. But, at least it's here!***

Today I have been rather nostalgic. 

I was rummaging through my original facebook page and was bum rushed by a flood of feelings. I think my depression is acting out a little again, which honestly makes no sense because this is my favorite time of year. The transition to fall! Not actually fall, it can be a tad bit too cold for me, but that area between summer and fall. I love it!  Yes, I'm weird. I thought this was established already with the baby name post! 

I've been off my schedule the past week. I've spent most of my mornings napping while DS is in school (and DD and DH were napping with me!) We've been having to pick DH up from work at 11pm and it throws me off being up when he's home before I go to bed. It's hard to explain. So needless to say, I have been up until about 3am then getting up at 6:45am to get DS up for school. I get home right at 8am from dropping him off and am napping by 9am until at least 12pm. Crazy. But it almost drives me crazy. I haven't wanted to do any of the housework. I'm having to make myself do all that. I don't even want to cook supper. ugh. 

What I DO want to do is be crafty. I'd like to learn how to crochet. I've got a pattern to sew a teddy bear with, but I'm just not feeling the sewing thing. I'd like to make DD one of these no sew tutus, and crochet some stuff. Paint/hang some stuff. I can't find any shelves like I want at the thrift stores and it's kind of aggervating. I want to decorate for fall, but lack decorations. And I'm just going to stop nagging there before I get into the job area of nagging. I shouldn't nag, but I do. It's honestly my fault I'm sitting here nagging on the internet about not having a job. Instead of quitting my last full time job, I should have just stuck it out. Working seems to make me feel better about myself. The past day I haven't felt like I was of any importance to anyone. (Depression issues.) And I know I am. I'm the most important person my children need! I know this, but I don't feel it. I think that may be why I feel sleepy all day (aside from the 4 hours of sleep I get a night..normally I can function off that little) Oddly enough, I think another factor may be the fact that we've been buying soda again. We barely drank it before, and once I start drinking it, it is insanely hard for me to resist. Seriously. I think that's part of the reason I feel so sluggish. Instead of grabbing a bottle of water like I have been, I grab a can of soda. Who wouldn't, right? Looks like I'm going to have to wean myself off of it again. :( And my coffee. Got to get back off the coffee again too. I love it, but it's not going to work out if I want to be healthy. And I don't think switching to decaf is an option lol! 

I feel like I want to elaborate on some of the things I've said, but I don't know what to say. I hate that feeling. Trying to explain feelings and then not being able to. That's what this whole blog is for, to get everything out in the open and NOT bottle things up. But when you lack to words to tell the story...there's not too much you can do about it. And that just flat out sucks.