Daily Journal: Post 3, Part 2

My inner nerd couldn't help but blog again. :) Sue me lol 

I've been sitting here trying to find something to do with myself while I have time to myself aside from watch Netflix. A little random fact about me, I keep a name list. Yes, baby names. It's this weird little obsession of mine. It started back when I was attempting a book/short story back in high school and it's gradually gotten "worse" since then. I have a notebook for names, name combinations, names I won't use, and names I love but will probably never use in real life (my guilty pleasure names, or GPs)

That being said, I was sitting here looking up names in search of new names to play with and I remembered that I keep a little list online! And I thought I would post it! 

Current Name List

That's the updated list I have for now. No one's voted on it, which is kind of a downer, but oh well! 

I also am a member of a baby name forum. (Baby Name Genie!) I ran across the site when I was pregnant with Hayleigh and used it a lot before we settled on her name! I love these lovely ladies! Other name nerds like myself to talk to! It's heaven! It's been a bit slower around the forums lately, but things change. :) No sense in crying over it :) But, I love reading all their names and giving/getting feedback (though I'm not real great at the giving feedback part haha!) They're amazing! 

Back to names :D I actually have a piece of paper full of random names that I like. And yet, I have a list with names I can't decide on combos for lol What a mess! I like the feeling of creativity when I come up with names. :) I think that's why I enjoy it so much. That and it's a way to write as well, since those creative juices are all dried up it seems :( 

It feels like I'm rambling, so I'm going to cut it right here and go play around with these names I've found. 

:) So, until tomorrow! 

*-Name Nerd at Your Service-*

Daily Journal: Post 3

I finally got my Blogger app installed on my phone! So now, I can blog anywhere!

I didn't make a post yesterday. We were out all day. I worked in the nursery at church, came home, ate lunch, picked up Aasyn, and went to the park. After that, we went to one of DH's friends house for a cookout. The kids behaved so much better than I expected and they had SO much fun. We didn't get home until close to 11pm, and needless to say, we were all worn out by the time we got home. Ace swam for a little whole and Hayleigh even played in the pool! Total shock. She was pretty content with jumping in the pool over and over lol. I was pretty excited.

I've been a bit off schedule today though. The laundry desperately needs to be put away, but at least it's clean, right? I need to mop as well, but for now, I'm doing nothing. Ace is laying down getting ready for bed and I have Hayleigh downstairs with me for a bit since she slept pretty late this afternoon. :) but in half n hour two children will be in bed. I guess I can get the laundry squared away then and save myself the trouble tomorrow. :)

I'm off to do nothing productive!

Daily Journal: Post 2

I know this is the second post today, but I wrote out my first post yesterday while I was working, and didn't get home until after 11pm last night :) 

Here's my attempt at consistency. 

I haven't been up but maybe 15 minutes. My house is a mess! There's so much laundry to do. The dishes have to be done, and the trash has to be taken out. I'm stressed already. 

I still need to go to the store, but I don't feel up to going by myself. I'm sure Nick won't get up either. (btw, it's almost 11:30am) I honestly would rather go back to sleep. I feel rather irritable, I guess. 

I get tired of all the cleaning but if I don't do it, it piles up and I'm dealing with the mess I have to deal with today. Guess I better go get started and write more later. 

*-L-*

::So, Nick got up and we went to the store and ate lunch. He's gone to work and Hayleigh's taking a nap. I should be napping, but when I lay down, I'm not as tired as when I'm upright. Makes no sense. haha! Clothes are almost done, but the dishes can sit there for a while longer for all I care. I'm in no hurry. No sense in rushing. Thinking about trying to catch a small nap since baby girl is still asleep. Maybe I'll feel better after I get up, because I still don't feel so well. :/ Only one way to find out! Nap time! Until tomorrow! :: 

Daily Journal: Post 1

I find myself wanting to write quite often. And more times than I can count, I find myself not knowing what to write. I have tried numerous times to keep a journal. All have failed, miserably. I can't commit to the daily writing and it's frustrating! I love writing! I use to write a lot. I feel like writing everyday would help me be more relaxed. To be able to get all my frustrations out instead of bottling them up would be amazing. 

I sit at home, and while it has its rewards, it's so, so very boring. Writing daily would help me express so many issues that I have. Like my self esteem, for example. I think it would help with a lot actually. Maybe it will reignite my spark and I could start writing poetry again. Who knows. 

I feel like if I were to write, I would have to be lengthy. But I know some days, it won't be. All that matters is that I'm writing (err, well typing... though I more than likely will have a written copy as well. Just call me a nerd!) 

So, this is my first attempt at keeping a journal! Day one - complete! 

I'll Seal It With A Bullet... And A Kiss.

I'm not the best at making decisions. I'll be first to be honest about that. I remember thinking how ridiculous it sounded for people to be turning themselves upside down over one decision, and how it sounded when people told you they were bad at making decisions. I fully regret my opinion on that. I wish I had taken more time to make the decisions I've made in my life. Maybe if I had made a big deal over them, then my life would be in a bit of a better place. Maybe if I had taken things a bit more seriously, mapped out "the long road"... maybe. But, I didn't. Why yes, I am a little unhappy with my life presently, but I've made the decision (shocker!!) to change that. It's like I've always decided to think for myself at the most unopportune times. Always. So of course, why shouldn't my life be right where it is.

I have two children that I love dearly. I have a 6 year old and a 1.5 year old. Boy and girl, and they are my everything. They have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. I love them. I hate having to struggle to provide for them. Now, before I had my daughter (the 1.5 year old), things we're okay with my son and I. I was living with my grandparents (after a series of awful decisions), working, going to school, enjoying life. I wish that I would have made better decisions and waited until I was out of school and married to have my children though. Then I could better provide for them, ya know.

I have come to find out that the one of the first things anyone ever asks you after you make a decision is why. Why? The question that give you the chance to explain yourself, even when you sound ignorant doing so. So, here's the answer to my why.

I was raised in the church, but I did pull myself away from that. After you have fallen off that path, it is so easy to continue to stray from it over and over and over again. And I do. I was always taught sex before marriage was wrong. I've had sex before marriage, and I don't believe in it. Though it's a little late for me to save myself for anyone, I will never sleep with anyone before marriage again. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it can be evil all in the same. I never agree with living together before getting married, and I've done that too. Everyone thinks that's what they want. To love with their boyfriends so they can do what they want, when they want. I didn't find it as exciting as it was made out to be. It caused problems with my first ex, and then that was one of the main reasons I married my current husband. (possibly, ex?)

DH and I probably didn't have the best relationship to start with. I had said I didn't want to have sex before marriage anymore, and 3 weeks into our relationship....well, tada. You get what I'm saying. I kept trying to stop, but it was like it didn't matter to him. Honestly, that's how I feel. Though one time, he did mention it to me, and.. i shut it down. My fault there. I admit. Thinking about it kinda of makes me a little angry, but it's the past and I can't do anything about it. Back to the story. I really don't know how to get to the point of this without making a graphic novel out of it. One thing lead to another, and over numerous break ups and getting back together, I was pregnant with my daughter. I left after I got pregnant, got back with him a few months later. It's a cycle, can't you tell. Well, after she was born, he moved in with me. (And this is a whole different story in itself that I can't even think about with feeling the anxiety build up in my chest. It enrages me.) Two months later, we went to the court house and got married.

Yes, I said it. The court house. Bet no one was day dreaming about that wedding when they were little. And honestly, it's not what I wanted either. Any of it. I was living with and had a baby with this man who I wasn't married to. Why not go get married, right? So then, even after I was unhappy with the marriage, I continued to push forward and give it "one more chance." The first year is the hardest, so I thought if I could just make it through the first year, everything will get better. Well, the finances got a bit better, but nothing else really changed. And everyday after that, it was holding on to the hope that something would change..

 See, that's my specialty. Holding on to hope. I stick around too long, just hoping that it'll change. There's always hope, but that also is my downfall. It's that quirk about myself that I can't stand, but I can't figure out how to let go of. That hope, still there, stopped being so strong and I caught myself trying to figure out a divorce in my head. How to split custody of the baby, and how child support would work. How to offer this outside of court. Then finally, after wondering how you break the news to someone that you want a divorce, my husband asked me if I wanted to leave. I told him. I refused to lie about it. So now, I'm in that place where he wants to pretend like the conversation never happened. He's going to try even though I've repeatedly told him that it was past trying. You can't deprive a flower of water until it dies and then expect it to come back to life when you do water it. Once it's dead, it's dead and I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be married anymore. It's like we aren't even married in my heart. The only thing to show we are joined together is that piece of paper the court house gave us. And to me, that is a sign right there, that we shouldn't be married.

And yes, this is cliche, but I'd love for us to be friends. It's always felt like he was more of a friend to me than anything.

I really don't know what else I could say about this. I just felt like putting this out there, getting it off my chest. That feeling you get when you can say, "there, I said it!" I'm ready to start this chapter so I can finish it and get on with the rest of my life.

((posted 06/15/2012))

Oh Dear, Not Again

It’s that time, once again to stand up and voice my opinions and beliefs.. on the same issue I’m so strongly against.

Same sex marriage/gay rights

.

What brings this back up again, you say? Why, a lovely comment on a message board I am registered to does.

To sum it all up, since the comment was deleted, it basically brought up same sex marriage in an offensive manner. The topic was a post about Elton John and his “partner” welcoming a baby boy into their household. (“having” a baby) and one of my friends on their mentioned that it must be weird growing up with two dads. Then comes said comment about how “same sex couples deserve as many rights as opposite sex couples”

And, here I go:…

For those who do not believe that being a homosexual is NOT in the Bible, here it is:

Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,..- 1 Corinthians 6:9

Translation:

Those who are promiscuous, worship idols, commit adultery and are HOMOSEXUAL will not inherit God’s kingdom. Will NOT go to heaven! It’s right there, in HIS word.

With that being said, same sex couples have the same rights as heterosexual couples do. Every man born on this earth has the right to marry a woman, as a woman has the right to marry a man. When one CHOOSES to become homosexual, they FORFEIT their right to marriage.

The institution of marriage was created for a MAN and a WOMAN. One reason is for procreation.

Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. - Jeremiah 29:6

You don’t believe in God? Well okay, sum this up for me. If we are our means of populating the earth, then how is it that two men cannot carry and birth children alone? How is it two women cannot carry and birth children alone? If homosexuality wasn’t a choice for people, then explain how nature cannot allow same sexes to procreate? I don’t want to hear either how there’s a gay penguin at the San Fransisco zoo or whatever either. I don’t want to hear how you, as a man, love your boyfriend. It’s not love. It’s LUST. And the whole bisexual issue. Please, to me, in my honest opinion, being bisexual is just an excuse to be a whore. Get mad all you want. It does not bother me because I know my sexuality. I know that I have my given rights to marriage and I have taken advantage of them!  Don’t be ill because you CHOSE to give up your rights to marriage as a homosexual. And don’t be mad that you are ignorant enough to be straight and support gay rights.  It’s a sin. Call me close minded, but I call myself right. I use to support the issue, then when I stopped running from my Father, I opened my eyes.

My mind is working on overload right now. I'm sure that when I think of something else, I'll add it, but for now, au revoir. 

Talk About Hitting The Nail On The Head..

So, out of sheer boredom, and a bit of curiosity, I took an assessment like quiz a few moments ago. What caught my eye and convinced me to take this was the statement before it. It stated to take this "psychological assessment to tell you what you really want versus what you say you want." Got me. I take it, and this is what I got as the results:

WHAT YOU "SAY" YOU WANT

Your scores on the "Lost in Translation Test" suggest that you want a man who's "highly accomplished, moderately embraces outward physical chemistry and is highly driven."

WHAT YOU "REALLY" WANT

According to relationship experts, what you seem to be looking for is a "PROTECTOR" 

A protector is well-poised to meet the hidden or unspoken needs you might actually be trying to fill in a search for a relationship. A protector is...

• Someone with a strong sense of self, purpose and importance that lends itself to bolstering your personal identity, sense of worth and even social image.
• Someone who can provide you (and any present or future children) with financial stability that is or has been lacking in your life.
• Someone who'll make you feel young and alive, and who'll renew your passion for life by opening your eyes to new experiences and opportunities.
• Someone who's ready and able to give you freedom and support for your personal or professional goals.
• Someone who can be vulnerable and unafraid to show kindness and physical affection and emotional connection to you in public.
• Someone with strong self-control and patience, who'll consult your feelings and preferences rather than be domineering and controlling.
• Someone who'll always strive to make you feel attractive, desirable and loved by giving you undivided attention and a sense of physical security.
• Someone strives for longevity by being true to a physically and psychologically healthy lifestyle, which includes taking pride in his appearance and working at being physically attractive to you.

So accurate, that it's almost uncanny,..